Kinda in a not so great place right now. Moving back to Adrian was really great when I first did it. I was pumped to see my friends, move into my room, hit the books hard like I did at Oxford, and who knows maybe even go on a date or two. While, most these things have happened ( well not even half) I just can't get out of this funk I have been in the past few days. I don't want to call it depression because that makes it sound way worse than it really is. More of a constant thought of questioning.
As a philosophy major this might seem like a good thing. We are trained to always question what is going on around us so that we can have a better understanding of the way things really are but I can really only take so much. I know that I don't really have that much control over what happens around me but it just seems that so many people have their shit together way more then I do. I have no job plans... none...all old plans are gone as of today. My friends are starting to get married, engaged, or otherwise reconnect or hold long term relationships. Soon (next five years) I'm going to start to see children... little people that look like friends. I on the other hand cant even remember where I left my car keys 5 days out of the week let alone hold a relationship. I used to accept this as having a "traveler's spirit" one who never gets tied down because others hold him back. I realized that its a bunch of bullshit to make myself feel better.
Also I find myself stuck in a kind of limbo about who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a ton of different things and I find that who I am is much less interesting. Someone please give me some directions. A TomTom for life is much needed. Yet, at the same time I just want to be left alone.
To Wander or not to Wander... that is the question.
All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king. These are my adventures. Take them for what they are worth.
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3 comments:
Okay, okay, so I'm not ignoring you anymore. But I'm still hurt.
I, too, am in a funk that I can't shake. It's not exactly the same as yours, but maybe I can contribute to your escape.
Maybe you're thinking too hard about the wrong things.
Maybe you should just stop thinking so darn much about everything and just let things happen. Enjoy it.
Or maybe you need to rethink everything and try something that's completely out of the ordinary for you.
Don't always question everything. You'll dwell on the answer for so long, and that answer may not even matter.
When you know what you want, you'll know for sure. You just need to have some patience.
I'm super sorry if this sounds dumb and doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I've had little sleep and I'm already not so good with words. But I want to help. We should further discuss this when I move in.
Also, I want you to know that you're one of my best friends and you mean a lot to me. You've been there for me when I needed you the most, and I want to return the favor.
You know that I rarely comment on these things, so obviously it is important. You also know that I don't exactly hand out advice or my honest opinions to just anyone. So shut up and listen.
First, let me quote Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes...
"To have doubted one's own first principles is the mark of a civilized man."
I'll admit that while he was influential, he was also a moral relativist and perhaps a tad crazy. Awesome mustache, though..just...awesome.
Anyway, the first thing I'm trying to get across is that you aren't mistaken in questioning your life. In fact, it makes you more grown up than you claim to be. A good dose of self-awareness is very admirable thing - don't convince yourself otherwise. Think of all the 'children' you have to deal with every day (especially in your job) who think they know everything...think of how they treat other people. Now take pride in yourself, because you're not one of them.
However, with that dose of reality comes a price, and that price is this little bout of depression. It isn't a bad thing - its a symptom that something is out of balance. The important part is that you realize what it is that is causing the instability, and deal with it. In this case, I think it is all internal - its all in your head.
Right now you're running the same thoughts over and over...assessing and reassessing your life in terms of where other people are. Don't. You aren't those people, you are Marcus. That kind of thought process isn't productive. When you get like this, you need to turn to the people who know you - I mean REALLY know you - and look to them to tell you who you are.
You are Marcus Schiwmmer, Commander Maughtar, Tralik Norwood...you have many names but they are all the same person. You love history and philosophy, so it is natural that you are studying it. You are an excellent student and a very hard worker, so there is no doubt that you will make whatever degrees you hold work for you.
By the way, its theory of mine that the majority of the world's problems rest in the fact that there are too many people stuck doing things they aren't good at and passionate about. If we could find a way to give every single person on this earth a job that they love, we'd have no war, no poverty. You and I are lucky in that we are born into situations that make it very easy for us to pursue the things we are interested in. We get to experiment, find our likes and dislikes -be thankful that you're able to have this kind of flexibility, then realize that we have a responsibility to take up something we love and enjoy, because that is the best way we can contribute to this crazy world. If you sell yourself out because you aren't as "successful" or "far along" than the other guy, it has broader implications.
You take life head-on, using overt communication to get your thoughts across, and NO ONE doubts where you stand. In some cases, this may be too much for the world to handle, but luckily you have a good, stout heart and plenty of charm. If people find you offensive, its because they can't handle the honesty, not because you're vindictive.
You drive a Jeep, and you love it. This is because one of your other names is Al Geordino. You are an adventurer, you have a traveler's spirit, don't try and deny it. But what a good traveler needs is a warm, quiet home to come back to every once in a while. You don't necessarily have that at the moment, but you will, when you're ready. Until then, you have a great many friends who will welcome you into their homes without a moment's hesitation when you get weary of the road.
One word I would use to describe you is "fun". Fun. Say it. It follows you wherever you go, even in the wildest, craziest, and most stressful situations. You always have a funny comment or crazy idea - anything to lighten the load. And yes, you easily led astray by pleasure and excitement. But when it comes down to the line, you never cross it - thats because you are responsible, but flexible. The rules are dynamic, ever open to change and interpretation. I would hate to live in a black and white world, and I know you would too. You love to try new things, and sometimes get me to try them with you -something I appreciate, as I warm up to new situations very slowly.
And please don't dwell on the marriage and children thing. Even typing it is scary. That isn't something you force. Committing to one person for the rest of your life, being responsible for the next generation of mankind? You're not there yet, and not because you're a bad person or lousy at relationships. Its because you have things to do, places to visit, and dreams to find - the world has enough children, many of whom have no home or food to call their own. You can't take care of them the way you should until you've taken care of you.
You aren't, by the way, bad at relationships. You've had the longest HEALTHY relationships out of anyone I know. And that second part - the healthy part - is the important one. Think of our closest friends...now think of their relationships...see what I'm talking about? Thought so.
You're kind, romantic and selfless in love. If they aren't, girls should be lining up to catch you forever - but only if you can find one who is worthy of you. And guess what? You've got high standards to meet. In my mind, there aren't many who can hold up to your zest for life, but tough. My opinion? You need someone who fights just as hard as you do, every day, in every thing she does.
I have great respect for you, value your opinion, and look for inspiration. A lot of people do, it isn't just me. Too often, they don't realize the value of your presence other than just for fun, which is unfortunate. You know how to live life - its something I'm still trying to figure out, but you're good at it. You're deep, just as sophisticated as the next person, but you're also an extravert who loves people - I don't think we could find a better combination for leadership out there.
And there are going to be people who disagree with you, disagree with this post. I don't care, and neither should you. Here's something that someone wiser than I said to me once..
"If you get caught up in what you don't want, you'll attract exactly that. The idea is to get so caught up in what you want that what you don't want doesn't matter."
You're right where you need to be. I hope you have a great year at school, and whatever you do after, I'm there for you. Find something you love to do, and the rest will fall into place. Anything else is just settling, and Tralik Norwood NEVER, EVER settles for less.
Oh friend, I know where you are and do not worry you are not alone... Alright so I know that you are still going to worry and question but just know somewhere deep in your heart even though you are going to ignore this that you are not alone and you will never be alone. Someday you will find someone who is worth fighting to win over and keep. The reason you are not so much for long term relationships right now is because you are surrounded by people who are settling. You are a travelers spirit you know that there is always adventure to be found and I promise PROMISE that someday and probably some day soon you will find a great woman who understands this as well and you will fight for a relationship with her and it will be totally worth it. Do not lose all hope things will never completely make sense you will always have something to question but if you didn't you would be bored!
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